The National Basketball Association should call the FBI or the CIA or Interpol. David Stern and the franchise owners he represents are being extorted. Teams are being held hostage by big scary, slow-moving guys with names like Przybilla. So far, one of these thug types has already managed to extort $5.2 million per year from Paul Allen of the Portland Trailblazers. It seems there was no ransom note…heck, not even a kidnapping. There was simply the submission of some mediocre game tape and a boring visit to team mini-camp a few years back.
Today, we’re at a crossroads in the future of the association. I am concerned that thugs like Przybilla and his cronies will be allowed to bilk the league and drive up the prices for more valuable players. Consider that this ruffian isn’t so ruff after all. He only averages 2 points per game – that’s it. One basket…one made shot…one swish. What about rebounding? 3.9 per game. I could do better than that. I’m 6’3″.
Enough! I’m putting up mugshots because this has to stop!
The tough guy in the middle is Kansas grad Scott Pollard. Pollard is best known for his towel-waving antics from the bench of the Sacramento Kings during their legendary battles with the Shaq-Kobe led Lakers of recent memory. He’s raking in a cool $2.2 million for his “labor.” One point per game – not one basket…one point. 1.3 rebounds per game and .04 blocks per game. The last guy, Yaroslav Karolev is not doing much better. Admittedly he’s only 20. He’s alleged to have tremendous upside. Maybe he should’ve gone to college. To date, young Mr. Karolev plays 4 minutes per game, but rakes in $1.4 million per season.
This degree of criminality on David Stern’s watch is not entirely unprecedented, but the dollar amounts involved are simply staggering. Frankly, no Eastern bloc mafia ever concocted a better scheme than these biological shenanigans. Grow ‘em big and put a ball in their hands. Without Stern’s complicity, and others, it would be impossible to launder $8 million dollars in plain view – but it is going down.
These are the true gangsters of the NBA. Can’t you tell – they’re all smiling.